Grief and Meditation: Why I Couldn’t Sit, Two Years After Vipassana

Hello! It's Megumi (@meg_intheworld).

It’s been two years since I completed a 10-day Vipassana meditation course in Lumbini, Nepal, in April 2024.

I’ve written about what I noticed at six months and how things had shifted at one year. Between one and two years, something unexpected happened, and here’s what I learned from it.

When I Couldn’t Want to Meditate

Last year, I experienced an unexpected, sudden loss. It was a significant event in my life.

I was fortunate to have trusted friends, and with their support, I was able to move forward one step at a time. But the path wasn’t smooth.

One day, one of my closest and most trusted friends reached out with a warm, supportive message to check in on me. Within that message, she mentioned that meditation was supposed to be good. She doesn’t meditate herself, but she had looked it up and suggested it might help, as she knows I do meditate.

Normally, I would have replied, “Yeah, you’re right.” But my honest reaction was something more like, “…hmm. I’m not sure about that.”

Around that time, my meditation practice had quietly faded. I’d still meditate occasionally after a run, but sitting down just to sit had almost stopped.

When I read her message, something clicked. I realized that “I don’t want to meditate right now.” That was the moment I clearly recognized where I was.

Following My Gut

At the time, I couldn’t fully explain why I didn’t want to meditate. I just didn’t. And forcing myself to sit didn’t feel right.

During that period, my focus was simple. Prioritize sleep and eating above everything else. Anything beyond that came second.

In the months right after the Vipassana course, I used to feel like meditation was as essential as drinking water. But as I wrote in my one-year reflection, I had already let go of that idea by then. So, I was able to honestly follow my gut, “I don’t want to meditate right now.”

If I had still been holding onto that earlier mindset, committing to twice-daily meditation no matter what, I think I would have been suffering. In Vipassana, letting go is the key to the practice. Clinging to it would have been the opposite.

Why Meditation Can Be Hard During Grief

A few months later, once I was meditating regularly again, I looked into why I’d felt that way. I found that it wasn’t unusual.

According to grief care specialists and researchers:

• During periods of grief, being unable to meditate the way you used to is not uncommon.
• When you’re in the middle of grief, turning your attention inward isn’t necessarily the right approach.
• For people experiencing intense stress, meditation can sometimes intensify emotions rather than ease them.

Reflecting on my own experience, I think there was a quiet fear underneath it. If I sat down and went into a deep state, something I was holding might appear. Thoughts connected to the loss might come up, and I wasn’t sure if I was ready to face them. That might be why I felt an unconscious resistance to simply sitting, the way I used to.

On the other hand, meditating after a run never felt threatening. It was always calm and quiet. Perhaps moving my body first helped release built-up energy, something like somatic release, which made it easier to be still afterward.

Grief is exhausting in ways that are hard to describe. It’s easy to assume that sitting quietly must be easier than going for a run. But what I learned is that this isn’t always true. Sometimes the body needs to move before it can settle.

Start Again When You Want To

For several months after the loss, I was meditating only a few times a month.

Then in mid-December, I started a 21-day habit challenge based on a framework I’d come across. Meditation was simply one of six habits on the list. It wasn’t a fresh start. It was just an item on a list.

I tend to follow through when I commit to something, so rather than restarting with any strong intention, I simply added it to the list. And naturally, I got back to meditating almost every day.

Life keeps moving, and unexpected things happen.

I think it’s okay to follow your gut and step back from things. And when the desire comes back, even a small “maybe I’ll try again” is enough. You can always start from there.

Overall, whether in grief or in ordinary life, I think the most natural thing we can do as human beings is to follow our own honest feelings.

P.S. If you found this post because you’re in the middle of grief, please take care of yourself first. As many say, grief takes time, and I now know firsthand how true that is. Rest, and be kind to yourself.

Previous Vipassana and Meditation Posts